Loose Canon
by Kit-Pocket
Summary: L and Light, under mysterious circumstances, have to go to England. These are the main events of their stay. Warning, crackish, boy love, NOT L/Light.
1. God Save Us All

Hello, friends. Yes, I am writing a series of drabbles. First, though, I should clarify some things.

1: This is NOT L/Light. Not that I'm against it, which should be obvious if you've seen my fanfiction before, but it's kind of important that there's no L/Light here. Though I might throw in fanservice for the heck of it.

2. These are mainly written for my own amusement. That's not supposed to be snarky, like "If you don't like it, too damn bad" or anything. It's a warning. This will get weird. "WTFBBQ" weird. Not totally on crack, because I'm going to keep it semi-realistic--no one is going to Candy Mountain any time soon--but you will see things not normally seen in fanfiction. You may see things seen quite often in fanfiction, too--like, say, going to Wammy's--but give me a break, no one can be completely original all the time. Especially not in fanfiction. If they were, well... It wouldn't be fanfiction, would it?

3. Light's kind of abused in this. Just kind of. And L will be a total ass at times. You'll notice it quickly. It's part of the weirdness.

I think that covers it. Oh, and I do not own Death Note.

* * *

"Ryuzaki," said the computer, "You're needed at the house."

Light hadn't expected to hear that from L's laptop that morning, and he doubted L had either, judging by his reaction.

L's brow furrowed, and he bit his lip. Light had been around L long enough to know that was his 'WTF?' face.

"What for?" asked L.

"There has been an incident," said the computer, which was not literally speaking, mind you, but was just projecting the voice of Watari, "Involving your successors."

"Is it necessary for me to be there in person?" asked L, drumming his fingers on his knees.

"Yes," said Watari, "Yes it is."

"May I ask why?"

"Not while others can hear you."

"I see. Send me the details in an e-mail."

"Understood." With that word of parting, Watari signed off. Or Light assumed he did, because nothing else was heard from Watari's side.

"Ryuzaki," said Light, "What did he mean by 'you're needed at the house'?"

"One moment, Light-kun." L opened his e-mail and did a quick scan of the new message from Watari. Light thought he heard the man give a small sigh.

"Well, apparently," said L, "We are going to England, Light-kun."

--

"Why are we going to England, Ryuzaki?"

"Classified information."

"Where in England are we going?"

"Classified information."

"Can you say anything else?"

"Classified information."

Light rolled his eyes. "Right. Okay then. Well, why do I have to come with you?"

"Classified—"

"Don't."

"You are coming with me, Light-kun," said L, stuffing a pair of jeans in his black rolling suitcase, "For the same reason you are chained to my wrist. Also, _because_ you are chained to my wrist."

"But I need to keep working on the Kira case," said Light, "If you're working on something else, in a different country, then I'll have to work harder than ever. We can't _both_ just stop working on the case like that!"

"You will have a laptop to do your work with, Light-kun, as will I," said L. He glanced around the room, as though looking for something. "Now please stop your bitc—complaining and begin packing the items you will need for the trip."

Light scowled. "Fine. And where is the suitcase I'll be using?"

"Right here," said L, pointing to the suitcase on the bed. "It has plenty of space. There is no need for extra suitcases."

"What? I think it would be better to have separate suitcases."

"We only need one, Light-kun, and I only have one," said L, apparently finding what he had been looking for and quickly stuffing it under the folded pairs of jeans, "And I am not going to send out for another one just because you can't handle sharing luggage."

"Why are you such a jerk today?" Light muttered, turning towards the closet to grab the clothes he'd need.

L sighed. "I apologize, Light-kun," he said, "The situation has made me slightly irritable."

"What about the situation—?"

"Classified information."

Light had tried to stop himself from throwing the sweater at L's head. He really had.

--

The flight to England was uneventful and long. Very long. In fact, so long that Light fell asleep halfway through and slept until the end of the flight. That was a blessing, really, since the flight was so horribly long—he didn't know _how_ long, because that was, according to Ryuzaki, 'classified information'—but Light had never felt too comfortable about sleeping in public. For one thing, it seemed rude. For another thing, when he was little, he had once been left on a bus. His parents hadn't noticed that he was asleep and had gotten off before seeing he wasn't with them.

They had run after the bus for half a mile to get him at the next stop, but it had still caused a bit more trauma than Light would like to admit.

When it was time to get off the plane, L woke Light up gently, singing a sweet melody into the brunette's ear with his velvety soprano.

Ha ha, no, that last sentence was total bat shit.

L stood up in his seat by the aisle the instant the stewardess said they could leave. Completely ignoring the fact that the boy chained to his wrist was asleep, he trudged down the aisle towards the exit, only stopping when there was a loud 'thud' from behind him.

He turned to see Light giving a long, strangled screech of pain, clutching his forehead where it had collided with the seat in front of him.

"My apologies, Light-kun," said L, the look he was giving the boy completely uncaring, "I supposed I projected you forward with the pull of the chain."

"Why would you _do_ that?" Light sobbed.

"Come on, Light-kun," said L, turning away. "We are leaving now."

Light followed him reluctantly, rubbing at his hurt forehead. "Ryuzaki, I think I'm bleeding…"

"No one cares, Light-kun."

--

Light and L stood by the baggage carousel, waiting for the black suitcase to come around. They ignored the stares from the people around them, or at least, tried to. Not that L was having difficulty ignoring the rest of the human race, but there was an elderly woman standing next to Light who had no qualms about staring with unnerving intensity.

"Ryuzaki," Light murmured to the other man, "Couldn't we have removed the chain? At least while we're in public?"

"Of course not, Light-kun," said L, "A crowded airport is a perfect place for you to escape."

"Then can you at least not speak English?" asked Light, cringing at how small and pitiful his voice sounded right now. "I'd rather speak Japanese right now, so people can't understand what we're saying…" _Or at least what _you're_ saying._

"You ought to get used to speaking in English while we're here, Light-kun," said L. "This is _England_, after all."

Light sighed and muttered, in Japanese, "I don't understand why you're being such a jackass to me lately." He gave a little snort. "Do you need a tampon or something?"

L's eyes narrowed. In English, he said, "Light-kun would do well to remember that I am stronger than he is, and that I will not hesitate to kick him in the face in public."

Light sighed and looked away, only to see that the old woman was looking at him more closely than before. Her eyes seemed to be locked on the bruise on his forehead.

"Ah, _there_ is our luggage," L murmured, walking forward to take the black suitcase.

Light was about to follow him when the lady pulled on his sleeve, beckoning for him to lean in close.

"Sweetie," said the old woman, her British accent adding to the charming, grandmother-style kindness in her voice, "I know that this man may seem like 'the one' to you right now, but the way he treats you… It's just not what's best for you. I know I may seem a skosh nosy, as this is obviously none of my business, and I don't even know you, but really, dearie, I just hate to see such a handsome young thing get caught up in what can only lead to heartbreak." She smiled gently and gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Don't worry, love. Hearts can heal. Just don't let the old tinker get the best of you."

Apparently seeing her bag, the old woman gave Light's shoulder a final pat and then walked away.

"That was quite an experience," said L, who came up to Light's side just a moment later. "The man whose suitcase was next to ours refused to let me retrieve it. Instead, he continued to reach over ours, efficiently blocking my arm from getting our luggage." He frowned. "His pits smelled of fish, Light-kun. Quite disturbing."

"Hey, Ryuzaki," said Light, again switching to Japanese. "That woman over there just told me I should break up with you."

L blinked. "What?"

"Apparently," said Light, "She got the impression that you're my boyfriend, and that you're slapping me around."

L blinked again. He turned his head slowly to look at the woman, who was also glancing their way.

When L's eyes fell on her, the woman visibly started and turned away, scurrying off in a panic.

"I believe she thought you were going to hit her," said Light.

"People are weird," said L, sticking his hands in his pockets. He turned away and began to shuffle towards the exit. "Let us go, Light-kun."

Light sighed and grabbed the suitcase, following the detective dutifully.

--

A shiny black car was waiting for them outside. Apparently, L refused to travel anywhere without doing it in a way that showed off his wealth and power. This seemed incredibly stupid to Light, since L was supposed to be _hiding_ his wealth and power, as his identity was meant to be _secret_. Yet the man never made an attempt to do anything of the sort.

_Oh well,_ thought Light, _I guess a fancy car doesn't give _that_ much away… though it still seems pretty ridiculous._

About twenty minutes or so later, the two were sitting in the back of the car, the chain pooling on the seat between them. Light was entertaining himself by looking out at the beautiful English countryside, and L was bored out of his skull. He was in desperate need of something with which to keep himself amused, and so far he was having no such luck. He couldn't even think of a way to accuse Light of murder.

(All right, so that was a lie. He could think of several. But none of them perked his interest at the moment.)

Of course, Light wasn't good only for racking up percentages that L made up. He was also fun to just mess with.

"Light-kun," said L, "I am bored."

"I'm sorry," said Light, not looking away from the window.

"Perhaps…" L paused for dramatic effect. "…We could entertain each other?"

"And how would we do that, Ryuzaki?" asked Light. He already sounded tired of dealing with the other man. He still refused to look away from the window.

"Oh, I don't know…" L slid over to Light's side, having already undone his seatbelt. He leaned in close and spoke directly into Light's ear. "I'm sure we could think of something… Light-kun…"

Light jumped when the hot breath hit his ear and spun around in a flash. But L was no longer behind him. The other man had miraculously slid back to the other side of the car and put his seatbelt back together before Light could turn around.

"…Um…" Light swallowed, giving L a wary glance before turning back to the window. "…Right. I don't think I'm in the mood for entertaining you, Ryuzaki."

"But Light-kun…" The hot breath was back at Light's ear. "I wouldn't be the only one entertained… We could have some… fun."

Light turned again, and L had not slid back this time. Light blanched, and L smirked, putting his arms on either side of the boy's head.

"R-Ryuzaki?!" Light stuttered out.

"Light-kun," L murmured huskily, his smirk growing wider as he leaned in. Closer and closer, their noses brushing against each other as L tilted his head and brought his mouth nearer to Light's own trembling lips…

In an instant, L was back on the other side of the seat, seatbelt done up once more.

Light panted for air and clutched his heart, which was beating rapidly. "What the _fu_—"

"Would you look at that," said L, glancing out the window. "We're here."

* * *

End of first chapter! These first chapters are basically just to set up everything. After everything/everyone is introduced, we'll get to the fun stuff.

I looked up English slang for the old woman. Not sure if I used it right. I mean, I'm pretty sure I used it right, but I don't know if an elderly woman would say things like 'skosh' and 'tinker'. (Heh heh, skosh. It's a fun word.) I'm also not sure if I just insulted a lot of English people. If you live in England, or just randomly know everything about slang in the UK, some advice would be awesome, because I like the slang and would love to use more later.

_Next chapter: Meeting Near (and other, less important people)_

Please review!


	2. Simply Marvelous

I should be working on my other fanfiction. I will get back to those tomorrow. Really.

I apologize ahead of time for Near's OOC-ness. I was trying to keep him kind of in character, but what I wanted clashed with what was canon and... well... you'll see.

I don't own Death Note.

* * *

Up on the third floor of Wammy's House, Near was sitting in his room putting together a puzzle and staring out the window at the same time. Mello and Matt were there too, under the pretense of attempting to annoy him with their very presence, when really they just wanted to watch him put together a puzzle and stare out the window at the same time.

"Mell," Matt whispered.

Mello stared directly at Near's hand as the boy somehow put two pieces of the blank puzzle together without looking. "Yes Matt?"

"How is he doing that?" asked Matt, a drop of sweat rolling down his cheek.

"I don't know, Matt," said Mello, also sweating heavily, "But it's kind of freaking me out."

"Maybe we should call an exorcist," said Matt, "Or a priest."

"Or an insane asylum," said Mello. "I think they would take him."

"I can hear you," said Near.

"Shut up, Near," snapped Mello. "Maybe we _wanted_ you to hear us!"

"If you want me to teach you how to do this, Mello," said Near, continuing to stare out the window and put together the blank puzzle as he spoke, "I will have no problems with doing so. You have to learn which pieces go together by touch."

"I don't care about that, _Nero_," said Mello. "Just shut up and go play your violin*."

"I may have felt more insulted by that," said Near, "If you had referred to the Roman Emperor instead of a character from a children's books series."

Mello's face turned red, and his lips twitched into a snarl. "Lemony Snicket writes _intelligent literature_!"

"Mell," said Matt, sighing, "Maybe you should just stop talking."

"You shut up, Matt!"

Near glanced back at the two of them as they began to fight, Matt being pounced upon by Mello and vice-versa. Fists and feet flew wildly, and Near only gave a small shrug and turned back to the window.

He breathed in sharply at the sight of a slouched figure climbing out of a sleek black car. _L!_

He was about to turn and tell Mello and Matt when something else caught his eye.

He turned back to see another person climbing out of the car, connected to L by what seemed to be a long cord or something. Near couldn't tell from this distance.

_Who is that?_ thought Near. _L would never bring someone with him if he did not have to. So either this person can be trusted completely, or he cannot be trusted at all, thus requiring L to bring him around everywhere so he will not get away. Most likely the latter, as they do appear to be connected by the wrist. Yet this person does not appear to be a typical criminal, as he seems to have perfect posture, and appears to be wearing almost formal clothing. Of course, appearances are nothing to go by, unless the person happens to be carrying a machete… _

Near's thoughts stopped as the two came closer to the building. The mysterious person was pulling along a very large black suitcase, and was somehow standing up straight, despite the obvious discomfort the baggage was causing him. L made no move to help.

As they got closer and closer, Near was soon able to make out the basic facial structure, if not the whole appearance.

As the man reached up to brush his silky auburn hair out of his eyes, Near felt his cheeks grow hot.

_Who is that person…?_

"What are you staring at now, Nero?" asked Mello, leaning next to Near on the windowsill. The fight was apparently over, and the blond was covered in bruises and what seemed to be teeth marks. Mello gasped. "Sweet Jeevas, it's _L_!"

"Mello, you know you're not supposed to say—what?" Matt was by Mello's side in a flash, lifting up his goggles to get a better view. "Hey, it is."

"L! L! L! L!" Mello turned from the window and darted out of the room. Matt followed shortly after, only much more slowly, because he wasn't as into L as everyone else was.

Near would have followed them both, but he continued to look down at the mystery brunette, who was currently lugging the great big suitcase up the stairs. L still made no move to help.

"I wonder," Near murmured, curling a lock of pure white hair around his finger, "Who that could be…"

--

"Would you like help with that suitcase, Light-kun?" L asked the moment they were inside and past all of the stairs.

Light glared at him, slouching over as he attempted to catch his breath. "No, thank you," he said through gritted teeth.

L shrugged and went back to looking around. The main hall of the establishment (which Light still didn't know the name of) was very large, and decorated with paintings upon the walls and a bust on either side of the stairs, one of Mozart and one of Chopin. The stairs themselves were tall and wide, like those you would find in a grand ballroom. From upstairs you could hear the sound of children laughing, and Light, with one hand on the suitcase, had a sudden fear that he would be the nanny of far too many children and would be bossed around with a whistle.

An elderly man with small, round glasses stepped into the room. "Ah, Ryuzaki. I'm glad you're here."

"Hello, Roger," said L. He gestured to Light. "This is Light-kun. He will be staying with me."

"I see that," said Roger, looking at the chain. "I assume you will be sharing a room?"

"Yes," said L, "Preferably with separate beds."

"Oh?" asked Roger, eyes widening. "I-I mean… yes, of course."

Light and L both frowned.

"We are not lovers," said L.

"You're—of course not," said Roger. "I didn't think that. Really."

"…Right," L deadpanned. "As I was saying. This, Roger, is Light-kun, and he will stay here along with me. Separate beds. In a bedroom as far away from noisy children as possible."

"I'll give you a room near the older children," said Roger.

"Also, Roger, if possible," said L, "I'd rather have it so no one knows we are h—"

"L! L! L! L!"

"…Damn it."

--

As L was quite literally tackled onto the carpet by one overexcited Mello, Near slinked up to the stairway and hid behind the banister. He peeked his head out and saw Matt coming to L's side, helping Mello up—L refused assistance—and saw Roger shaking his head in disappointment. At last his eyes landed on their destination: the brunette who was looking utterly confused, scooting behind the suitcase to get away from the apparently insane blond.

Near gasped. _The closer I get, the more beautiful _he_ gets! I'm frightened to meet him face-to-face. It may be too much for me. …Why am I feeling this way? I haven't felt this way since that burrito with the aging beans… No, this is different. This could be that thing I've read about… dare I say it… love?_

--

Completely unaware of the sudden and Romeo-and-Juliet-esque feelings being developed towards him, Light was growing increasingly suspicious that he was going to be the nanny of all these children coming out of nowhere. He could already see himself being forced into the dress made of old drapes, and while the dress flattered his figure nicely, he didn't fancy taking this rabid attack dog of a boy on a picnic.

The other boy, while dressed weirdly, at least seemed calmer than the blond one. Light was pleasantly surprised when the redhead came to him right after helping his friend get off the ground.

"Hi. I'm Matt," said the boy, who Light noticed was only an inch or two shorter than he was. "Pleased to meet you."

"Pleased to meet you," said Light, taking the redhead's hand and smiling. It felt good to receive some politeness after being thoroughly ignored and mistreated thus far. "My name is Light."

"Light? That's cool," said Matt, shaking Light's hand and then reaching up to adjust his goggles. He grinned. "Your accent is Japanese. I'm assuming L dragged you here from Japan, then?"

"Yes, that's right," said Light. "I—"

"Matt, please call me Ryuzaki while I am here," said L, brushing dust off his jeans as he stood. "Also, I would avoid speaking to Light-kun. He may become murderous at any moment."

Matt laughed and Light glared, but before anyone could say anything else, they were distracted by the pajama-clad boy coming _near_** them.

Light watched as the very small person came up to his side and looked away, twisting a lock of their white hair shyly.

_It's official. I'm the nanny,_ thought Light. _This little kid is shy and small… I should probably be nice to him._

"Hello," said Light kindly, giving the boy a wide smile. "What's your name?"

The blond audibly suppressed laughter.

"N… N…" The kid glanced up at Light and blushed, looking away again. "M… My name is…"

"Come on, Whitey," said the blond, smirking, "Tell him your name."

"N… N… N… N…" The kid swallowed hard. "Nero."

The blond audibly burst out laughing and fell to the floor, clutching his stomach in pain.

Light pretended not to notice the blond's antics, continuing his smile. "Nero? That's a nice name," he said, leaning down and holding out his hand, "I'm Light."

Nero's face lit up, and he clutched Light's offered hand with both of his. "Light… What a beautiful name."

"…Um…"

The blond continued laughing. Matt was starting to glare at him.

"Light-kun," said L, "That is not Nero. His name is Near. Unless, of course, he decided to change his name to Nero, which, judging by Mello's laughter, I highly doubt." L turned towards the stairs. "Now, if we could please get going?"

"Uh… Oh. Okay." Light pulled away (prying Near's hands away took some difficulty) and waved at Matt. "See you later, Matt. Um… Mello." He smiled down at Near. "Bye, Near."

Near blushed. "Uh… um… Bye."

Light began to pull the suitcase towards the stairs, following L, who was being led by Roger to their room. Light stopped at the end of the stairs, looking up at the gigantic staircase with wide eyes. "…Ryuzaki."

"Yes, Light-kun?" asked L, still walking.

"Do you think you could help me get this suitcase up there?"

"You've pulled it all this way, Light-kun. A few steps won't kill you."

"…That's what _you_ say."

Near looked on as Light began to pull the suitcase up the stairs, struggling and beginning to pant for air at the halfway point. Near sighed and murmured, "He's marvelous…"

Mello burst out laughing again.

* * *

* A reference to Vice Principal Nero of Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, Book 5, the Austere Academy. I love that series.

** I, personally, found it hilarious.

Please review!


	3. L's Story

New chapter! This one took a while. A long while. Well, I have other stories to update, too, you see... Anyway. On to the chapter!

* * *

At last they reached their bedroom. L waited for Light to catch his breath, standing by the doorway. Roger looked between the two of them with a small, worried frown.

"Oh... um… Yes, well, when you're all settled in, Ryuzaki," said Roger, "I need you to meet me in my office. Yes."

L would have perked an eyebrow if he had any. Roger was acting suspiciously nervous.

Of course, it could just be the chain. But this seemed a bit excessive.

"All right, Roger," said L, "I will be there in ten minutes at the latest."

"Understood," said Roger. He moved back towards the stairs, then stopped and turned around again. "Oh… And, um, this is the area with the older children, but… but they are still _children_, so if you could, uh, not make much noise… during the night…" He swallowed, backing away from the collective glares of the other men. "…Because children need their sleep, and you know how noisy… um… typing… can be… Not that… you'd be doing… anything else okay goodbye."

With those hurried words of farewell, Roger turned away and scurried down the stairs. As he left, L and Light heard him muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "oh dear, the explanations… no Sex Ed… good god, what if they walk in during… the chain!"

L scowled, but said nothing more about the matter. He moved to the door and swung it open, then took the suitcase by the handle and rolled it a few feet into the room.

"You're welcome, Light-kun," said L, setting it down again.

"The wonder of collaboration!" Light snapped breathlessly.

L merely stared blankly at him.

Muttering under his breath, Light walked into the room and straightened his spine, wincing at the painful cracks coming from his back. He sighed, looking around the room. "Whatever… Anyway, Ryuzaki, that man told you to meet him in his office. Are you going to—"

Light turned around to find himself alone in the room, his wrist chained to the bedpost.

He scowled. _Asshole. _Sighing again, he walked towards the suitcase. _Oh well, at least I can have some quiet and work for a while…_

As the chain tightened, Light realized that L had chained him in a way that put the suitcase _just_ out of reach.

--

Near was halfway up the stairs when the sound of someone cursing loudly reached his ears.

_That voice… the chorus of angels,_ thought Near. _It's him!_

He hurried up the rest of the stairs and found the right room by following the sound of the continued angry mutterings. When he reached the open doorway, he nearly collapsed at the sight of the room's contents.

_This proves it,_ thought Near, _I'm L's favorite._

Light being alone in his room, lying on the bed, would have been enough. But no, Light was chained to the bed. Chained. To. The. Bed.

Sure, it would have been nice if he was naked, but that would have been a bit too much, too fast.

_Too fast… _Near frowned. _Of course…_

L was obviously testing him. L was seeing if he could resist temptation. If he couldn't, the number one spot would go to Mello. That was why he brought this delicious man-meat with him, and why said man-meat was chained to the bed, where L must have known Near would go.

_Then I have to resist… _Near sighed, turning away from the door.

"Oh, hi, Near."

Near froze instantly. _Resist. Resist. Resist._

"Do you think you could do me a favor?"

_Cannot… resist…_

"Of course," said Near, turning around. "What do you need?"

"Thank you," said Light, smiling at him. Near could feel his cheeks grow hot. "Could you please bring that suitcase over here? I can't reach it."

Near nodded, going to the big black suitcase. As he started pulling it, he realized why Light was having such trouble pulling it by himself before.

"Oh yeah… It's heavy, huh?" Light stood up off the bed. "Just push it a little further, and I'll take over when I can reach."

Near wasn't sure why that sounded so dirty, but he did know that he didn't need his face getting any redder right now. He did as Light asked, keeping his gaze locked on the floor as he did so.

"Thanks," said Light, taking the suitcase. He smiled. "I really appreciate it."

Near gawked a bit more openly than L would probably have approved of.

_Screw L,_ he thought, _Mello can take over the #1 spot._

--

L had never liked Wammy's.

It was a fine place. As long as it was empty.

L had always been either worshiped or shunned, wherever he went. Because of his intellect and attitude, people had always found him either superior, intimidating, or just plain creepy. What he had wanted was to find a place where people treated him normally, where everyone saw him as 'just another kid'.

Watari had promised that Wammy's was different. That he would be treated normally there.

What a load of bullshit _that_ turned out to be.

L had quickly grown popular. With so many quirky children around, no one saw him as a freak, and because of this worshipped him even more than the others schools had. As a genius even among the highest IQs of the country, L was considered a king, or even a god, of Wammy's.

It drove him _nuts_.

After a few years of the 'royal treatment'—which included things like stalking, more stalking, and the occasional gift basket—L had withdrawn to his room and never left again. Meals had been brought to him. A laptop had been provided, the top model, including an internet connection. He had been given a cell phone. And, most importantly, a lock had been placed on his door.

This way, he completely avoided human contact from the age of 10 to the age of 14. During that time, he amused himself by hacking into the local police station's computer and solving the unsolved cases.

Originally, he hadn't told the police when he solved them. He would just look through the case files, came up with an answer, and then move on to the next one. But after a while (mostly out of pity, as they took so long to solve cases themselves) he started sending the answers to the chief of police through e-mail, signing it with only the letter 'L'. (It was certainly convenient that his real name doubled as a perfect alias.)

This got the chief's attention. He had sent for L's capture, thinking at first that it was a criminal mastermind who was selling out his partners in return for police protection, and he was a man who refused to be bribed. But after L kept sending him solved cases without asking for anything in return, and even asked him a question involving one of the cases, the chief realized that L was on the side of justice.

The chief started asking for L's assistance. L had agreed to help when he could (which was, of course, all the time), but when the chief started sending him problems that were far too easy and boring, L made it clear that he would not accept such trivial cases. He told the chief that he would only take what interested him, and what interested him was mainly what the chief really didn't want to be hacked into.

This was a dilemma. L wouldn't take cases that wouldn't interest him, and the chief didn't want some random stranger meddling in these important cases unless he knew he could trust them.

That was when the chief decided to use the one method he knew could keep L faithful: money.

Not realizing that he was dealing with a twelve-year-old, the chief created an account and sent L his first five million.

L had been surprised, but not shocked by the amount. What he had been paid was probably little more than what he had earned after the hundreds of cases he had solved. Possibly less. But the chief had promised to pay him more with every case he solved, as long as he stayed loyal to the system of justice.

L could dig it.

For the next two years, L had kept on solving cases and making more money than he needed. His name became well known among the law, and he was soon called the world's best detective.

At the age of fourteen, L was called to Africa to investigate a murder. It would be the first time he had to solve a case without only the use of his computer.

The response to his exiting the room was larger than he had expected.

When he had opened the door, a little kid who was walking by had screamed and passed out. Moments later, he had been surrounded by the children of Wammy's.

Apparently, during his four years of isolation, he had passed into Wammy legend. 'That really, really freakin' smart kid,' they called him. After his name had appeared among the police, other hackers among the school had figured out who he was, and now the name 'L' was whispered among the halls of the school.

And with his emergence from his room, he had turned the legend into reality, and was now worshiped more than ever.

It sucked greatly. L had pushed through the crowd of children, clinging to his laptop for dear life. Some kid who seemed to be imitating his appearance was kicked to the side, literally.

L had driven away with great relish. As it disappeared into the distant fog, L had given the building the finger.

And now he was back.

Groan.

Trying to push the horrible, irritating memories out of his head, and resisting the urge to slap a bitch when a random kid stared in awe at him, L traveled down the hall towards Roger's office. Hopefully, whatever Roger needed from him would be quick, so he could drag Light back to Japan and never come back.

When he opened the door to see Roger and Watari standing next to each other, their expressions grave, L got the feeling that his prayers would not be answered.

"L," said Watari, in that old, kind voice of his, "Could you please sit down?"

L frowned. _I'm not going to like this._

_

* * *

_

Author's Notes: I really liked writing L's past, which is why it drags on for a while. XD None of it is relevent to the story, but I hope you found it interesting.

Also, does anyone here listen to Rip Slyme? Best. Band. Ever. I love their songs 'Masterpiece', 'Hotter than July', and 'Dandelion', among others that have names that are in Japanese and hard to remember. You really need to listen to them, if you haven't. Look them up on YouTube.

Please review!


	4. Telepathic Annoyanshesh

**Author's Notes:**_ Wow_ that glitch was annoying. The one day I write a chapter on time, and what happens? I can't submit. At least it's over now. I'm glad they got it fixed pretty quickly.

So yeah, new chapter. I like this one. I think you will too.

* * *

"What's the situation?" asked L, sitting down. "Is someone after Mello and Near?"

Watari and Roger looked at each other briefly. Roger's lips turned in a nervous frown.

"L," Watari said finally, looking back at the raven-haired detective, "That was a lie."

"This has nothing to do with your successors," said Roger.

"…I don't appreciate being lied to, Watari," said L, frowning.

"I know you don't, L," said Watari. "And I apologize. But I knew you wouldn't come otherwise."

"So what's going on?" L asked, perking a nonexistent eyebrow.

Roger and Watari looked at each other again.

L bit his thumb in irritation. He had always hated it when people did that. It was like they were speaking telepathically, saying things to each other that he wasn't allowed to hear. And L liked to know everything, all the time.

Add the telepathic conversations to being kept out of the loop, and that made one irritated L.

At last they turned away, the telepathic conversation over. Roger leaned over his desk, folding his hands together and resting them on the glossy mahogany surface.

"One of the orphans is dying."

--

"Where's Near?" Mello suddenly asked, lying on Matt's bed with a chocolate bar in hand.

Matt glanced up from the floor, where he was playing Mario Kart on his Playstation. "I dunno. Why?"

Mello shrugged. "Meh. I was thinking we could go put gum in his hair or something." He took a bite of chocolate and chewed it thoughtfully. Suddenly he burst out laughing, bits of chocolate spewing out into the air. "Dude! Did you hear him talking about that pretty-boy L brought with him?"

Matt grinned. "I did."

"_He's marvelous_," said Mello, doing a high-pitched imitation of Near. He laughed again. "I expected sparkly bubbles to pop out of nowhere, like in that anime shit."

"Dude, dude," said Matt excitedly, tossing his controller to the side. "Check this out."

He reached under the bed and pulled out a bottle of bubble water. Pulling out the stick, he blew a long stream of bubbles, put the bottle down, and then got in the light so it would reflect off his goggles.

"_Light_," Matt said softly, in an eerily accurate impression of Near's voice. "_I know we've just met, but I can't take it any longer… I… I love you! I need you!_" Hugging himself, Matt tossed his head back, the bubbles framing his face. "_Kyaaa~! Light! You're so marvelous!_"

Their following roaring laughter was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Hey gaish," said a scrawny, mousy boy with a heavy lisp, who opened the door without waiting to be invited in. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Read," said Mello, glaring at him, "Get. The fuck. Out."

"I heard noishesh," said Read, not obeying Mello's order. "Shounded like laughin'. Shounded like you gaish were havin' a fun time. Can I join in?"

"No," said Matt. "Go away, Read."

"But I—"

"Out," said Mello.

"Well, that'sh not—"

"If you don't get out of here in five seconds, Read, I'll write my name on your back with a lit cigarette," said Matt.

"Okay," said Read, shutting the door.

"_God_ I hate that guy," Mello muttered under his breath.

"Let's wait until we're sure he's gone," said Matt, "Then we can go find L or something."

"Okay," said Mello, grinning. "Since Near must be busy bothering the pretty boy, we could even get to L before him!"

_Not that Near probably cares who gets to L first,_ thought Matt.

After a few minutes, Mello got off the bed and walked towards the door. He grabbed the knob and pulled it open, saying, "Okay, let's g—"

"Hey gaish."

"_OH DEAR GOD!_" Mello screamed, leaping back from the doorway where Read stood.

Read gave Mello a dumb, lopsided smile. "Did you shay L'sh here?"

"_No_," Mello shouted, trying to step past Read into the hallway. "Go away, Read!"

"L _ish_ here, ishn't he? Oh boy!" Read clapped his hands excitedly, not moving out of Mello's way. "I've alwaysh wanted to meet L! Oh, thish ish sho exshiting!"

"Move your ass!" Mello snapped, pushing Read out of the way. Looking back, he yelled, "Matt, run for it!"

The two raced down the hall, stumbling over heavy rugs and their own feet. Read followed just as clumsily, if not more so, but much more slowly.

"Wait up, gaish!" Read called after them. "I want to shee L too!"

"_Run faster!_" Mello shouted. Matt did so, and the two dashed around a corner and out of sight.

"Aww," said Read, slowing to a stop and sticking out his thin lips in a pout. "Thosh gaish are alwaysh too fasht for me."

--

"Dying?" L repeated. "Why did you need to bring me here for that?"

"It's a young girl. And her last wish," said Roger, sighing, "Was to meet L."

L frowned. "Couldn't I do it over the computer?"

"She wanted to meet you _in person_," said Watari. "It's not a huge trouble, L. You would just go in and talk to her for a while."

"It doesn't sound like a good idea to me," said L.

"It's not like she would give away your identity," said Roger. "She's _dying_. And barely ten years old. What benefit would there be?"

"…fine," said L. "But I just know I won't enjoy it."

"Do you visit dying children for fun normally?" said Watari, raising an eyebrow.

"Touché. But I can't help but feel like something's wrong about it," said L. His eyes narrowed in suspicion, glancing between the two men.

Roger looked at Watari nervously, but Watari stayed perfectly composed.

"Relax, L," said Watari, "Nothing will happen."

--

As L walked out of the office, he was instantly assaulted by two blurs, one with a head of gold and the other with a head of fire.

"L! Oh, I mean… Ryuzaki!" said Mello, wrapping his arms around L's thin waist. "Did I get here first? Near didn't get here before me, did he?"

"Hello, Mello," L grumbled. "No, I haven't seen Near since I went upstairs."

"WOO! L, I have so many questions for you," said Mello excitedly. Matt stood nearby, glancing around nervously, as though he expected someone to suddenly appear. "What have you been doing? Are you any further in the Kira case? Do you know who Kira is? Do you? I bet you do! Do you?"

L left all the questions unanswered and began walking down the hall, dragging Mello along with him. Mello kept on spouting off questions and Matt walked behind them both quietly as L rounded a corner. They came to the open doorway of L's room, who walked even faster at the sight of it.

Grabbing hold of Mello's and Matt's arms, he threw the two of them into the room, poking his head in the doorway to see the two teenagers crash into the bed. Light, who sat on top of the bed, looked to the doorway with wide eyes. Near, who had been standing at Light's bedside, shot to the other side of the room in an instant, as though he wasn't supposed to be there.

"Watch those for me, will you, Light-kun?" asked L, nodding at the three boys. "Do svidaniya."

With that, he slammed the door and stormed away down the hall.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Yes, L really was reluctant to fulfill the last wish of a dying orphan. I made him that much of an ass in this.

I made Read up while writing this chapter. No, _literally_ while writing this chapter. I was writing their laughter and thinking, "Hmm... Now someone has to open the door... Roger is busy, and Linda is boring... I'll make someone up." And now he's part of the whole story. Aren't you lucky.

...I love writing for Read. He's so annoying. XD

What L said there at the end was just 'goodbye' in Russian. I've seen Coraline twice now (great movie of a great book, non?), and Mr. Bobinski was one of my favorites, so I wanted L to say 'do svidaniya'. It's fun to say, too.

Please review!


	5. Re, a Drop of Golden Sun

Well... this took a while.

What happened: I wrote the chapter; it was totally awesome; I was waiting a day before I'd edit it and post it; my computer broke.

Plus, school.

It turns out it's very difficult to write something when you've already finished it. It turns out... not as good. And shorter.

Anyway. Sorry. And yes, I'm still updating this story, even though I'm not updating Sleep Talking right now. I'm not into Death Note right now, but the plot of this story is so unrelated to the canon plot that I still like writing it. Semi-crack is fun.

Enjoy the chapter!

* * *

There was a moment of silence while the four boys contemplated their current situation. Light stared at the two boys he was now apparently babysitting, and his imagination roared into life.

_I knew it. I knew it I knew it I knew it, _he thought, a drop of sweat rolling down his forehead. _I'm looking after them... It's starting... At least the drapes are a pretty color, but I'll have to learn how to sew... _

"Do, a deer, a female deer," he sang under his breath.

"Is that supposed to be funny?" asked Mello, glaring at him. He got up and stormed over to the door. "You're not my babysitter, got that?" Mello grabbed the doorknob and flung the door open. "And there is no way in _hell_ I'm staying--"

"Hey gaish!"

Mello slammed the door shut, locked it, and turned back to the others with an expression of absolute nonchalance.

"So," he said, "I suppose we should get to know each other better."

"Um... Who was that?" asked Light.

"Nobody." Mello walked back over to the bed and started climbing up the ladder to the top bunk. "Start talking. You. Someone other than you. Kira. Whatever subject you want."

"Okay," said Light, "Where am I, exactly?"

Matt burst out laughing. "You don't even know where you are?!"

Light frowned. "L didn't tell me."

"Well, if L won't tell you, then we probably shouldn't either," said Mello, sticking his head over the side of the bunk to grin at Light. "So sorry."

"I'll tell you, Light," said Near stepping forward from across the room.

"Wha--? No, Near, I just said we can't tell him," Mello snapped. "If L can't, we can't! Weren't you listening?"

"But... He at least deserves to know..."

"Shut up, Near, not if L says he doesn't!"

"L didn't say anything, he just didn't tell him where he is."

"Which he obviously did on purpose!"

"There's no need to shout, Mello."

"The hell there isn't, you god damn..."

"Do they do this a lot?" asked Light, leaning towards Matt.

"Yes," said Matt, playing his DS. "All the time."

Light sighed. "Great..."

"So do you know _anything_ about where you are?" asked Matt, not looking up.

"Nothing," said Light, shaking his head. "Not even why we're here."

"That sucks," said Matt. He grinned. "So, uh... what's with the chain?"

Light glared at him. "Not what _you're_ thinking."

"Then what?"

Light glanced at Mello and Near, who were still locked in heated argument (or at least, half heated and half frozen over argument.) They had a point: L probably didn't want to release any details on the Kira case, not even to people he knows. "I doubt I'm supposed to tell anyone."

"Damn. I was really curious," said Matt, reaching the save point and shutting down his game. "Can you at least tell me why you're hanging out with L?"

"Nope."

"Damn again."

They watched Mello and Near for a moment, Mello pulling out locks of his own hair while Near silently gloated, twisting a lock of hair around his finger.

"I wish Ryuzaki would get back already," Light muttered.

Matt frowned, glancing at the door. "I wonder where he went, anyway."

–

Meanwhile, L was arriving at the hospital room. The room was pitch black. L shut the door and then spent a minute or two searching for the light switch, his hands flailing wildly and the thought to just open the door again for some light not occurring to him.

When the room was finally properly illuminated, he saw no one in the room with him, and the only bed was shielded by a white curtain surrounding it.

"Hello?" asked L, taking a step forward. He cleared his throat and said the phrase Watari had told him was the password. "My... um... blood sugar is too high..."

"We know, Mr. Ryuga." The curtain was pulled open to reveal a middle-aged man in a white coat, a young nurse holding a clipboard standing next to him. "And we're going to help you with that."

L cursed loudly, realizing he had just been lied to twice in a row.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Poor L. Kind of.

The next update will undoubtedly take a while. Sorry, guys.


End file.
